The Awkward Missing Piece of the New Dating Puzzle
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In the last few months especially, I have been mentally dissecting dating in the here and now. More specifically, why it is so much harder today than when I was 20 years old and a very broken individual.
I mean come on… how was it so much easier to find love back at 300 lbs., without a dollar in my pocket, and a stack of insecurities that shadowed the Eiffel Tower?
For the past few years, I’ve been blaming all of it on the “new” dating game, social media, smart phones, and the liberalization of the human spirit in general.
But when it comes down to it, I don’t actually think it’s all that. Or even very much of that at all. I think it’s much bigger and much more complex, like one of those 2,000 piece jigsaw puzzles.
Sure, all of the new waves of technology and social media have changed the dating game. But they haven’t changed the human heart. If anything, we as a people are more lonely than ever before even though we’re more connected than ever before.
We all want to love and we all want to be loved. That human need will never change. And since it has always been a need for us, there is a simple reason why it used to be easier to get that need filled than it is now.
We were forced to do awkward things and venture out on limbs to find love and fulfill that need within ourselves. We were forced to go talk to strangers face to face. At least we were if we ever wanted to fill our need. We were forced to put ourselves out there, and go to places and parties where singles mingled. Again, we were if we ever wanted to fill our need. Yes, we were forced to be human to each other.
And in all of human history, that has never been a comfortable environment for much of anyone at all. So uncomfortable, in fact, that when you found someone you liked, you latched onto them and held on for dear life so that you could get as far from that environment as humanly possible for as long as possible. Love wasn’t just filling a need. It was a survival instinct. We were surviving awkwardness.
But social media and smart phones have wiped most of that awkwardness out for us. With the evolution of dating websites and apps like Tinder, we now have a supercenter at our fingertips, full of people to constantly push our heart-carts through. We go shopping for love. And, just like at the grocery store, we grab what we think we want, we carry it around in our cart for a while, then something in our minds changes and we shove it onto some random shelf in the dog food aisle. Or something like that.
We can do that now because there are always more people to go shopping for once our carts are empty again. And there will always be more people. Until love is no longer a human need or until every romantic relationship on earth becomes magically infallible, we will never run out of new inventory.
And as messed up as we’ve made the system, and as much as we all appreciate the fact that we don’t have to be a part of the old awkward face to face meeting system anymore, we will never again see, as a population in general, the magic and togetherness that once existed for us in the dating world. I am convinced of that. There is no turning back the clocks of awkwardness to a more awkward yet more functional time.
The problem itself is temporary, though. The failure of the current system will drive the ingenuity that will bring change and help balance it again. Someone, somewhere, will eventually see how broken it is and have the genius idea that will slowly start to fix it. That will be a good day for love. That will be a good day for dating. That will be a good day for human hearts everywhere.
Okay.
So, even though it’s become a game of numbers. Human need hasn’t changed. My needs haven’t changed. I am so happy single, yet I desire companionship. I want nothing more than to be loved and love in return. I still look over at that empty pillow at night and wonder why it’s still empty. And I still look back 13 years to that pillow that was once filled, and wonder why and how it was ever filled, being whom I was.
Surely all of my health, all of my success, all of my perspective, all of my contentment, and all of my happiness now should be enough to counterbalance the relatively recent challenges in the dating world.
In fact, and this is going to sound totally douchey, but I’m speaking frankly… there are thousands of people who would love to go out on a date with me. Right now, no questions asked, and give love (with me) an honest and true shot.
I don’t bring this up to say, “hey, I’m cooler than you.” God. I’m not a cool guy at all. No… I bring this up to point out that I’m in a situation and a place in life where I have personal data to add to the equation that others might not have. I am able to extrapolate the bigger picture and admit that, at least for me, it’s not a matter of disadvantaged opportunity. And the blessing of modern technology is that it’s actually not a matter of disadvantaged opportunity for any of us.
It doesn’t matter who we are, or where we are in life… there are thousands of people out there who would love to go out with each and every one of us, few questions asked, and give love an honest and true shot.
For me, just like for you, it’s about sorting through those thousands and trying to line up the opportunities that give success the best odds. The only two differences between us, perhaps, is that my online dating profile is well over a million words long now, where yours is just a few paragraphs; and, some of you might have to really dive in and put a lot of effort into finding those people. They are there, you know. Thousands of them.
So if we all have thousands of people out there who would love to give love an honest shot with each of us… If I have thousands of people out there, with or without this blog… why is love a harder need to meet as a put-together and whole person than it ever was as a severely broken and inexperienced one?
I think the answer goes back to that jigsaw puzzle. Our jigsaw puzzles of love.
When we’re young and naïve adults (and still rather stupid), the puzzles we have to put together are more like those wooden puzzles for preschoolers. Just match up the four different shapes and plunk them each into their spots. “Oh, you have boobs. I have a penis. I think you’re cute. We get along well enough. Let’s do this.”
Then we start adding to our lives. Our puzzles become more complicated. Soon we’re doing the more scary 100 piece puzzles, trying to fit people into our dreams of the future and our new grownup jobs. “I’ll give you a shot because you like country music like I do, and my parents will like you, and you don’t seem to have a lot of baggage. Let’s do this. Oh, and you have boobs and I have a penis!”
Then, after divorces, and breakups, and children, and careers that become more established, and lives that get more built, and passions that get chased, and dreams that get reached, and realizations that are had, and introspection that is explored, our puzzles get more and more and more and more complicated until the puzzle pieces are tiny, almost all the same color, and there are a bazillion of them. “Hm. You have boobs and I have a penis. Big deal. Our kids have to be compatible with each other, and with each of us. Out dating schedule has to work around both my work schedule and your schedule. We need to know that we both are as tied or untied down as the other before we can commit too heavily. We need to make sure that our passions and hobbies align because we’re happy to add new ones, but we’re not going to give ours up. I like the way I have my house decorated. I like the way I dress. I like the food that I eat, and the shows that I watch, and the friends that I have, so don’t try and change any of that. PS. Did you get the memo about my friends? Yeah. I’m not losing them in the chase for love. Oh, and three thousand other things before we open our hearts to love, okay?”
God. It sounds kind of selfish. But it’s not. It’s reality and it’s actually very healthy. The older you get, and the more together you put the puzzle pieces of your life, the more complete the puzzle becomes and you realize that you’re not just trying to fit simple wood shapes into predefined cutouts. You’re trying to create a fantastic masterpiece that you can hang on your wall.
As for me, I can feel this crazy complicated puzzle being put together in my life. I search and I sort and I try to click a hundred wrong pieces together, and then I suddenly snap the right one into place, the puzzle becomes slightly more complete, and I start rummaging for the next one.
What I was missing, and what most people are missing until they get to a certain point, is the picture on the box. They’re missing something against which they can hold each little piece in order to get at least some direction of where to place it. It’s as if there’s some puzzle master who wants us to wander mindlessly trying to figure it out without the picture for a while, and when we’ve put enough of the puzzle together with sheer luck, and our lives click together just enough, that picture suddenly appears and is blaringly huge in front of us. From there it all gets easier.
And what we don’t usually understand, is that there are people out there building their own puzzles which will be different, yet hang so perfectly next to our own. There are many people out there building beautiful and complementary puzzles, and someday we’re going to find someone who gets down to their last puzzle piece at the same time we get to ours.
That super awkward piece. The one with the weird shape. The one that didn’t seem like it fit anywhere, and that’s why it’s the last piece left to stick in the puzzle.
One space left in the puzzle. One puzzle piece left on the table. We all know that feeling. It’s a good one.
Except, our final puzzle pieces don’t fit into our puzzles. The shapes don’t match. The picture on the piece doesn’t fit into the bigger picture. It’s the wrong friggin’ puzzle piece.
We can’t finish our puzzles.
And somewhere close by, when we get to that point, that other someone is having the exact same problem. Her last piece is the wrong picture. His last piece is the wrong shape. It doesn’t fit.
At that point, we both get down on our hands and knees, and start combing the floor, looking for a piece we think might have fallen, we bump noses, and we start laughing as we realize we have each other’s final puzzle piece. Then, well, you can guess from there. We live happily ever after, or something like that.
And see, this is what takes almost every person so long to learn. As we build our lives, we work to complete ourselves. We become more whole. We become more beautiful. The final picture starts forming. All of our hard work that we put into ourselves is so valuable to us, that we would rather have that missing hole remain unfilled than to try and force the wrong piece into it. The hole is far more beautiful than a piece that doesn’t belong.
And, when that other someone comes with our missing pieces, they are not completing us. We are not dependent on them. They are simply helping us finish this great project we have been working on for so long. Their final piece is part of our greater puzzle. Not an addition to it. And ours is the same to theirs.
When we’re young… We build simpler puzzles. We cram the wrong pieces in wherever they’ll fit. We do almost all of it wrong. And sometimes we get lucky and it sticks, but usually the pieces all pop back out eventually and we’re forced to start completely over with a new puzzle and a picture we can’t see when they do.
Wow. I enjoy being older and wiser. And I may be alone right now, but my puzzle is being built. Piece by piece. Color by color. Shape by shape. It’s forming. It’s taking shape. It’s becoming completed. I feel it. I sense it. I see it.
Eventually I’ll get to that last missing piece, I’ll bump noses with the person who has my missing piece, and we will complete each other’s puzzles.
The thousands will become one.
And that’s all I want. I don’t want thousands of people to choose from. I don’t want to go shopping for love. I don’t want ease and simplicity and games.
I want to bump into that person with my missing piece, and I want to get all shy and bashful and awkward just like we all used to get. Only then will it work. Only then will I be able to see the person instead of the people. Only then will my glorious puzzle be finished.
Oh, to click that last piece of the puzzle into place. How fulfilling will that be when it finally happens? To know that I chose the most difficult type of puzzle to complete, that I took my time, and that I finished it… I can only imagine how wonderful it will be. For now, I’m still building. And just like with any puzzle, I’ve built enough that I still love constantly looking at what I’ve built so far, even though I’ve got many pieces left to put into place.